i hesitate...

a couple months back i saw a vision, unlike many other visions i have had.
let me start by saying that i have struggled with the meaning of life. having been raised a very devout christian and a firmly held belief in what i was taught, i never questioned the meaning of life because it was explained to me and i accepted it. since i am no longer of that religion, i was actually removed from it...it has made me question god, religion, why we are here, the purpose of life. people decide not to want to know the answers, or firmly believe in a religion that tells them the answers but i wanted to know what I thought! what did my intuition tell me. it took me 4 years plus, of pondering and then this is the vision i got.
i was above the earth, viewing it rotate across the universe. i could see the past and how so many people have lived and died and when we die, my question was...where does our energy go? from a scientific viewpoint, i recognized that there can only be so much backup of energy before an implosion. it could not sustain itself anymore. the only way it could sustain itself would be with a divine intervention. a cleansing. i do not believe the creator of this universe would allow this earth to implode!
on the flip side though, the earth just kept barreling forward and life and energy were being recycled, yet at the same time, there was so much evil on the earth that it was dominating the good energy and using it up much more quickly then it could be recycled. and suddenly the earth crashed and ended. perhaps that was the outcome if there were no divine intervention.
i still do not have a conclusion but wanted to share the vision.

SAM I AM!

SAM I AM!
whenever "she" shows up, i know i've been crossed and have had enough!
oh how i love shakti gawain, who descibes our inside selves in terms that don't seem crazy! i happen to name my inside selves, and SAM (samantha) is the part of me that took over in my teens, when i'd had enough of my mom and step father and alcoholism and misapplication of scripture and just pure BS! that part of me moved out at 16, worked full time, she is a survivor! she comes and goes. i have learned over the years to incorporate her into my whole being. she doesn't put up with crap and will level you if you mess with her. if i give her too much power, the extreme will eventually kill me. i have learned that i can utilize her strengths, while at the same time remaining balanced. occasionally, she comes out in full force. this is a red flag to me that something is not in balance or i have been crossed or have had enough of something! through her eyes, i see the facts. i have learned to respect her, not ignore her, but also not let the extreme take over.

i have a thought running through my mind...do i have a time limit on how long i stay attached to people? with both of my marriages, i shut down after a year to 2 years because of realizing how awful they were. is that what this is? is my body, mind, emotion etc, instinctually shutting down because of unhealthy "programming"? is it a defense mechanism? is it my mind protecting my emotion? a strong possibility! i will ponder this.

the next day....

i felt changed! i had this peace and clarity that i haven't felt in 10 years! i felt like i was saying hello to a part of me i hadn't seen in awhile! i felt, saddened that i have not valued my body and life and this may be what has caused the miscarriage and even more sad for MYSELF! that i had to go thru this! like i was looking at me feeling a sadness, but appreciating that it woke me up to my value and that i really do want life and joy, and to feel life inside of me, again,* and be married to a wonderful man. up til now i have doubted that i deserved it. and grateful for the wake up call....i am willing to give up all creature comforts to allow my child "life" and to give that to my man.

* it was only after the miscarriage that i knew, however upon reflection i had noticed things for 2 months and was liking it. the first month wasn't so pleasant, but toward 7 ish weeks i was liking my breasts, my complexion, i felt more feminine than i EVER have, i was using expressions that i have never made before, i felt sexier and more confident...i want to experience more! =-)

sadly....

i had a miscarriage this week. didn't even know i was preggers but when it happened it SURE explained a lot. this is private but i will share anyway, as i layed there with everything coming out i got one of my "flashes". it was a girl, and she would have been mentally challenged. it felt like she was making peace with me as she left my body and her spirit went up and out the fireplace.

there is something odd in the air....

sometimes i feel this swarm of energies in the air. it feels like an energy storm. today is one of those days! i anticipate something breaking loose today, changing, shocking perhaps! i feel unsettled in my gut!
on another note:
i realized recently why i don't like thunderstorms or being in heavy rain. i cannot sense energies and it freaks me out!

he was...

12 ish this time! tall, thin, straight blonde hair! =-) he walked into the bedroom! i was in bed, michael was on the computer.

tattoo....

so, this is no big deal, but i went out with my sister in law the other night to the launchpad, a club in downtown ABQ, because the entry fee went straight to the womens shelter in town. i also did a raffle, $2.00 for a ticket to win a certificate for a tattoo.
as a side note: i had finally decided to get a tatt and my friend annie and i had decided to go when she comes for a visit in oct (2010).
anyhoo....so i bought the ticket...
at about midnight, i was very ready to go home. the gals doing the raffle kept saying..."the drawing is coming up", but didn't know exactly when.
i just had this feeling though. i really wanted to be there for the drawing! i KNEW i was gonna win.
like i said, i wanted to leave but something kept me there....
finally, the drawing....the second number called?....MINE!!!
$50 gift cert to a tatt shop in town! whaddya know!?!?!? =-)
strangely, i had a huge draw to go that night too. usually i would have been very incomfortable about going, and even though my mind kept trying to find excuses NOT to go, i found myself getting ready anyway! i had a strong feeling i should be there for jenn! not sure if that was true, but it was fun! i really enjoyed the night and met a few new gals! =-)