the chaos no more
in it you will find the answers
that you are looking for...
the beginning of a poem i wrote many years ago! i remember sitting in my recliner on day (it was mauve) and realizing i hated my husband and life....i had made choices that got me there but i had made them with my head, not my intuition or heart!
as i sat there, i felt this overwhelming quiet, silent, peaceful abyss....
it was me! hearing myself! and in that honest moment i began to change things in my life.
here i am today! many years later. i look at my life and see the fruits of many years of purposeful change! it has not been easy but the payoffs bring much satisfaction and joy!
i struggle with constantly wanting to improve and change myself and appreciating what i am and have done!
i continue to read shakti's book! it grounds me! i have also started reading deepak chopra.
this listening to ourselves and the messages from the universe is a beautiful place to be. without it, i'm sure i wouldn't be here!
these past few months i have struggled. i feel stagnant! i feel joyless at times. i am trying to pinpoint why!
perhaps, it is because i went off anti depressants....perhaps!
i worry it is because i am ignoring my inner voice....but i'm not quite sure what it is trying to tell me. i have many years of being really good at ignoring it!
i have been feeling a lot of anger!
i read though that once you tap into yourself, this may happen. years of emotion pouring out and you have to learn to regulate it! i feel like such a bitch at times though!
i am angry because i want to get on with life....if we are gonna get married, let's get on with it and if we are gonna have kids, lets do it! i am 38! i don't have time to waste!
if not, tell me now so i can get on with it myself!
this here is a lot of my recent mood! i mean i came out here to do those 2 things! i left a lot behind for that! here we sit a year and a half later and we haven't done either or have definite plans to do either. it has become annoying!
i feel like i am wasting my time sometimes! i feel like i am a really good bitch, housecleaner, cook, errand runner, doormat...and for what?
all i know is, if my goals are put off for much longer, i will not tolerate it! i've had too many years of ignoring myself!
i do A LOT everyday for michael and the dog....but feel like there is no solid investment! nothing tangible! i don't like that feeling!
i hold myself back! i shouldn't do that!
i hold back, waiting for other people! i shouldn't do that!
hmmmmmm, i am feeling empowered and tingley! perhaps this is a key!
i hear myself say that a lot (in my head)...i'm tired of waiting on you!
perhaps i am speaking to myself!
as i've always said....i feel MUCH bigger than i am. my visualization of myself is much larger than what i actually am and have! i am not living to my potential!
cleaning and cooking are great but the busying myself with it, biding time is not satisfying me! (insight!)
i'm going to go ponder.
