SAM I AM!

SAM I AM!
whenever "she" shows up, i know i've been crossed and have had enough!
oh how i love shakti gawain, who descibes our inside selves in terms that don't seem crazy! i happen to name my inside selves, and SAM (samantha) is the part of me that took over in my teens, when i'd had enough of my mom and step father and alcoholism and misapplication of scripture and just pure BS! that part of me moved out at 16, worked full time, she is a survivor! she comes and goes. i have learned over the years to incorporate her into my whole being. she doesn't put up with crap and will level you if you mess with her. if i give her too much power, the extreme will eventually kill me. i have learned that i can utilize her strengths, while at the same time remaining balanced. occasionally, she comes out in full force. this is a red flag to me that something is not in balance or i have been crossed or have had enough of something! through her eyes, i see the facts. i have learned to respect her, not ignore her, but also not let the extreme take over.

i have a thought running through my mind...do i have a time limit on how long i stay attached to people? with both of my marriages, i shut down after a year to 2 years because of realizing how awful they were. is that what this is? is my body, mind, emotion etc, instinctually shutting down because of unhealthy "programming"? is it a defense mechanism? is it my mind protecting my emotion? a strong possibility! i will ponder this.

the next day....

i felt changed! i had this peace and clarity that i haven't felt in 10 years! i felt like i was saying hello to a part of me i hadn't seen in awhile! i felt, saddened that i have not valued my body and life and this may be what has caused the miscarriage and even more sad for MYSELF! that i had to go thru this! like i was looking at me feeling a sadness, but appreciating that it woke me up to my value and that i really do want life and joy, and to feel life inside of me, again,* and be married to a wonderful man. up til now i have doubted that i deserved it. and grateful for the wake up call....i am willing to give up all creature comforts to allow my child "life" and to give that to my man.

* it was only after the miscarriage that i knew, however upon reflection i had noticed things for 2 months and was liking it. the first month wasn't so pleasant, but toward 7 ish weeks i was liking my breasts, my complexion, i felt more feminine than i EVER have, i was using expressions that i have never made before, i felt sexier and more confident...i want to experience more! =-)

sadly....

i had a miscarriage this week. didn't even know i was preggers but when it happened it SURE explained a lot. this is private but i will share anyway, as i layed there with everything coming out i got one of my "flashes". it was a girl, and she would have been mentally challenged. it felt like she was making peace with me as she left my body and her spirit went up and out the fireplace.

there is something odd in the air....

sometimes i feel this swarm of energies in the air. it feels like an energy storm. today is one of those days! i anticipate something breaking loose today, changing, shocking perhaps! i feel unsettled in my gut!
on another note:
i realized recently why i don't like thunderstorms or being in heavy rain. i cannot sense energies and it freaks me out!

he was...

12 ish this time! tall, thin, straight blonde hair! =-) he walked into the bedroom! i was in bed, michael was on the computer.

tattoo....

so, this is no big deal, but i went out with my sister in law the other night to the launchpad, a club in downtown ABQ, because the entry fee went straight to the womens shelter in town. i also did a raffle, $2.00 for a ticket to win a certificate for a tattoo.
as a side note: i had finally decided to get a tatt and my friend annie and i had decided to go when she comes for a visit in oct (2010).
anyhoo....so i bought the ticket...
at about midnight, i was very ready to go home. the gals doing the raffle kept saying..."the drawing is coming up", but didn't know exactly when.
i just had this feeling though. i really wanted to be there for the drawing! i KNEW i was gonna win.
like i said, i wanted to leave but something kept me there....
finally, the drawing....the second number called?....MINE!!!
$50 gift cert to a tatt shop in town! whaddya know!?!?!? =-)
strangely, i had a huge draw to go that night too. usually i would have been very incomfortable about going, and even though my mind kept trying to find excuses NOT to go, i found myself getting ready anyway! i had a strong feeling i should be there for jenn! not sure if that was true, but it was fun! i really enjoyed the night and met a few new gals! =-)

listen to the quiet...

the chaos no more
in it you will find the answers
that you are looking for...

the beginning of a poem i wrote many years ago! i remember sitting in my recliner on day (it was mauve) and realizing i hated my husband and life....i had made choices that got me there but i had made them with my head, not my intuition or heart!
as i sat there, i felt this overwhelming quiet, silent, peaceful abyss....
it was me! hearing myself! and in that honest moment i began to change things in my life.
here i am today! many years later. i look at my life and see the fruits of many years of purposeful change! it has not been easy but the payoffs bring much satisfaction and joy!
i struggle with constantly wanting to improve and change myself and appreciating what i am and have done!

i continue to read shakti's book! it grounds me! i have also started reading deepak chopra.
this listening to ourselves and the messages from the universe is a beautiful place to be. without it, i'm sure i wouldn't be here!
these past few months i have struggled. i feel stagnant! i feel joyless at times. i am trying to pinpoint why!
perhaps, it is because i went off anti depressants....perhaps!
i worry it is because i am ignoring my inner voice....but i'm not quite sure what it is trying to tell me. i have many years of being really good at ignoring it!
i have been feeling a lot of anger!
i read though that once you tap into yourself, this may happen. years of emotion pouring out and you have to learn to regulate it! i feel like such a bitch at times though!
i am angry because i want to get on with life....if we are gonna get married, let's get on with it and if we are gonna have kids, lets do it! i am 38! i don't have time to waste!
if not, tell me now so i can get on with it myself!
this here is a lot of my recent mood! i mean i came out here to do those 2 things! i left a lot behind for that! here we sit a year and a half later and we haven't done either or have definite plans to do either. it has become annoying!
i feel like i am wasting my time sometimes! i feel like i am a really good bitch, housecleaner, cook, errand runner, doormat...and for what?
all i know is, if my goals are put off for much longer, i will not tolerate it! i've had too many years of ignoring myself!
i do A LOT everyday for michael and the dog....but feel like there is no solid investment! nothing tangible! i don't like that feeling!
i hold myself back! i shouldn't do that!
i hold back, waiting for other people! i shouldn't do that!
hmmmmmm, i am feeling empowered and tingley! perhaps this is a key!
i hear myself say that a lot (in my head)...i'm tired of waiting on you!
perhaps i am speaking to myself!
as i've always said....i feel MUCH bigger than i am. my visualization of myself is much larger than what i actually am and have! i am not living to my potential!
cleaning and cooking are great but the busying myself with it, biding time is not satisfying me! (insight!)
i'm going to go ponder.

so many new things...

so, 2 weeks ago i started a no gluten diet, and added no alcohol, no sugar, and now no carbs. my goal is to free my energies so i can read and absorb my intuition speaking and others as well.
all of my life i have found ways to numb out because 1. i carried physical pain and couldn't deal and 2. i didn't know how to navigate all of the "psychic" input i received.
the no gluten thing has freed me up tremendously! it immediately releived MOST of the pain i have had all of my life.
this book i am reading has given me the insight and courage to face the rest.
it was so clear to me, it spoke to me and put into words what i have been sensing for awhile now.
i want to continue honing my skills.
i went to a drum circle a couple weeks back and in entered a man that immediately captured my attention. his energy was so intense. i watched him through out the night and saw him watching me. he was so intense that i was intimidated!
I WAS INTIMIDATED!!! i don't get intimidated. we met after and i had to step back because the connection was so intense. i had to struggle to find my voice and say..."hi i am danielle!"
i thought of him EVERYDAY for 2 weeks. his presence was SOOOO intense. i even told michael and a few of my friends about him.
i decided to look for him on FB, and there he was. i sent him a message and became his friend.
i just HAD to tell him that his energy captivated me and turns out he felt the same.
he said that when we met he KNEW we would meet again!
we chatted a few times and i realized that i didn't see HIM at the gathering. i saw his spirit and i saw a POWERFUL, stronger than human presence, a kind, open, watching soul who seemed to float.
in chatting with him i found out that he has a "guardian" named ralphel who is of the Shaolin people. (they are strong and walk on water)
his energy is still with me and has brought me many insights.
i am on this journey of realizing that i have a physical body that i MUST repect but i also have a spiritual body. i am intune to BOTH finally and am fine tuning having them exist in harmony. but i have realized that i am here to kindly guide people in directions they need to go but may not know it. i struggle with interpreting my spirit into human words. but i keep working on it because i feel i know things that others need to know. i can sense what is going on with people and need to use my gift to point them in the direction they need to be made aware of.
i also realize that although i know michael is very intuitive, he is not in touch with his spirit side. he keeps me grounded and i found him because he is my balance in this human form and i am supposed to have a baby boy with him.
these are just things i know!

the black panther...

i still see himon my drive to work most days....in the same spot....
a camera maybe?

it came to me last night!...

his name is MAKIAH!!!

living in the light!

...all of my life i have felt...out of my body!
i have felt like i don't belong in human form. i have been uncomfortable with my body and even allowed myself to abuse my body because i didn't appreciate the value of it. i allowed myself to BE abused as well. i allowed myself to ignore my intuition and found myself in many unfortunate circumstances.
i have felt i had different personalities inside me. i felt i would come to moments of clarity but something would take over, logic?, religion?, basically my mind...and those clear moments would disappear and i'd feel crazy. especially since i did not have people around me who experienced anything similar.
i have always heard and felt this struggle within between body and mind but didn't know how to put words to it. i have felt like it was unfortunate that i had to live in a physical form because i had sooooo much more aspiring with in me and my body wouldn't cooperate.
i have struggled with alot of PAIN, i'm sure because of this struggle within and because i didn't KNOW how to change it.
fortunately my intuition knew. even though I didn't know.
it is amazing to look back to 5 years ago and observe that my intuition took over for me when my brain had shut down. i ended up soooo depressed, and suicidal and hopeless and in pain, YET, something took over, and i took one step after another until i found HERE!
thank you "intuition"! or i would have died. =-)
one step after another until i got it right. or at least on the right path!
even when my family and friends and religion said i was/am wrong and a heathen for my choices and chose to remove themselves from my life. it's okay! they would have hindered my journey. i am not angry but relieved. at times i am grateful because my journey would have been that much more difficult having to deal with naysayers and doubters and persons who didn;t understand and support my choices.
PERHAPS, down the road i can return to them but on my terms.
i am reading this book called...living in the light, by shakti gawain.
i was giving a massage and explaining to my client where i was in my journey regarding "spirituality"? i guess is what it could be termed.
i was explaining how i have felt dark inside for a couple months and didn't exactly know why. i THOUGHT maybe it was because i have had a faith my whole life and a HOPE for the future etc. and now i did not. and i haven't been sure how to replace it. going back to the religion i came from didn't seem the answer. that would be too easy. a quick fix. it never worked before so why kid myself and think going back would be the answer. supposedly it would SAVE me but i don't want to be saved at the expense of my inner self. not anymore.
anyway, my friend said....i have a book for you! she gave me living in the light!
i am so grateful! it is EXACTLY what i need to be reading right now! it is putting words and explanations to things i have felt for a long time. it has been very validating and enlightening. CURRENTLY i am reading the difference between the body and spirit and how to have them CO EXIST!
ah, relief! i can utilize both! i feel hope.
my spirit is here for a reason, in physical form, for a reason. i need to respect that and find ways to learn and live and aspire within that. what a privilaged journey!

OMG!

i was just reading an old post on here and i realized i have had a "vision" lately!
i was sitting on the couch last night with michael and our newborn was laying between us! a newborn boy wrapped in a blankie!

my passion...

i have had this feeling lately of a fire trying to be lit...
like, i am meant to DO something big or BE something bigger than i am but i just don't know what it is.
i am hard on myself because i have pursued so many things, because i truly LOVE them but so far none of them are THE thing i should be doing. i don't want to keep pursuing insignificant things!
i feel it!
i FEEL, writing a book, designing and creating clothes, opening a raw restaurant.....mayne i am meant to be the RAW martha stewart! =-)

nothin new...

well, nothing significant has happened lately.
i HAVE felt like i am being watched! it is creeping me out!
like, i do not feel safe in my house and as i walk from my car to the front door i feel like there are eyes on my back!
this is an unusual feeling for me!